2015 Jakarta – Janice Lim

Insecurity to Humility

Shalom! My name is Janice Lim and I recently came back from a week-long missions trip to Jakarta, Indonesia. It has honestly been difficult to process what happened because I felt and learned so much on this trip. But one thing I can clearly say is that it has been a humbling experience for me. In this testimony, I want to share with you how God used missions to turn my insecurity into humility.

Before going on missions, especially in the month of January, I struggled with a lot of insecurity that resulted from comparing myself to others. There are so many talented and bright people around me that I felt like I was lagging behind. I would beat myself up to measure up to them, and when I found myself being better in something, I felt pride rising in my heart. What insecurity did was it put me on a roller coaster that went back and forth between low self-esteem and pride. And, no, this was not a fun place to be.

During missions, I still compared myself to others. I compared myself to my team members, and saw that I was younger in age, weaker in faith, and lacking in so many ways. I heard stories of native pastors and the love they had for God and the people they were serving, and that made my love seem so small. The selfless acts of service, the pure hearts, and the radical obedience I witnessed on the field made me examine my heart and repent. However, while in the mission field, the result of all these comparisons did not result in insecurity. There wasn’t a hint of frustration, anxiety, jealousy or false pride. Rather, what I found in my heart was a peaceful, warm, thankful feeling of humility.

I admit that I was quite confused when I felt humility in my heart because I was not used to it. Neither did I know where it was coming from. But as I was processing what happened on the trip, I realized that the ridiculous amount of selfless love I received from our team and my Indonesian brothers and sisters was one defining factor. They really went out of their way to affirm, throw a feast for every meal, wash dishes, make tea, take the back seat of the car, come straight from working all night to drive us around, and so on. A student at IKAT Seminary even gave me a ring that is precious to her before I left! I didn’t do anything to deserve such treatment, yet everyone lavished me with their love. And through their love, I felt the love of the Abba Father. 1 Peter 2:9 says,

“But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation,
God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of Him
who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light.”

Looking back, I know that I did nothing, and I can’t do anything, to make God choose me. Nevertheless, in His sovereignty, God chose to call me out darkness into His light. He chose to make me royalty, set me apart, and use me as His vessel despite my weaknesses. This kind of unconditional, sovereign love became real to me through His people because they treated me according to this identity. It is clear now that God is pleased with me before I do anything; that He is glorified even in my weaknesses.

Today, the battle between insecurity and humility continues within me. But I choose to turn my eyes from my weaknesses to that love that has called me out of darkness. This love has given me a new identity as the chosen, royal, holy and treasured one. I am humbled for I know I don’t deserve such love. May God and He alone be glorified in my weaknesses as I choose to walk in humility instead of insecurity!

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