2012 Australia – Lydia Kim

Free As a Butterfly

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come” – 2 Corinthians 5:17

I had the privilege of being a part of the Australian mission’s team this season, I know this is something many people say, but I truly felt like I received more blessing from the people compared to the blessings I gave them.

I signed up to go to Australia without thinking much and I just felt obligated to sign-up. After I signed-up, I realized that I had no money to even support myself and felt pressured to just back out. I told Lisa, our mission director that I wanted to disjoin the team. A few days later Pastor Christian sent a very loving email saying I should go to Australia because he felt this trip would edify me in many ways. His words of encouragement just moved my heart and then I decided to take a huge step of faith to go and start raising support.

It was hard in the beginning to raise support, and I didn’t feel comfortable asking people, but God gave me boldness to step out of my comfort zone. Our departure date was coming close and I still had raise more than half of the support. I desperately started to call out to God and He began to show me the people to contact, so I did and they all supported me and I had overflow!

One question that I continued to ask God during this trip was, ‘why have you allowed me to go on this trip to Australia?’ I was genuinely curious and wanted to see and know God’s heart. He revealed many things to me personally and I experienced several breakthroughs while on this trip. I was struggling with fear of rejection and many insecurity issues. My issues were severe to the point where I would go out of my way to not face people both physically and emotionally. I remember when I was little, somehow I found myself saying, “I think God created me to be stupid, therefore I must be and there is nothing I can do about it.” I totally believed in this lie and lived thinking that way for many years. Can you imagine how low my self-worth must have been? I was scared of what others might think of me. When I was given an opportunity to state my opinion about anything, my heart would pound because I was so afraid.

Joining this team of amazing people including Pastor Christian and Pastor Erin terrified me to the bones. As the journey began I found myself more reserved than ever and felt discouraged every moment. However, I did not want people to see me or recognize me in that way so I tried my best to put up a shield to protect myself from being exposed of my weaknesses.

The first day of the conference at Full Life Ministry (FLM) was a powerful time for many, and I really enjoyed the service. I could feel God slowly approaching me in His own loving way and in response, I opened up my heart to Him. I was a bit frustrated at myself: I wanted to be confident, I wanted to stand firm as His princess but I was afraid and weak. I quietly cried out to Him, “Please do something God, this is not me, and I am in Australia, did I come all the way here to struggle with my issues?” The second day of the conference came around and I felt even more close to God. The third day, something happened, as I was listening to Pastor Erin’s seminar about honor, I felt something breaking off of me. She spoke these words, “I know that you believe in God but do you believe in you?” As soon as I heard those words, I got a sudden revelation and my spirit started to shift. I quietly spoke to myself, “yes, I do believe in myself, and I honor what God is doing in me and through me.” I literally felt a huge baggage that was on me for so many years lifting off of me and I wasn’t carrying them anymore.

At first, I was not sure what had just happened, but I knew something happened because my heart was pounding with joy. I couldn’t stop smiling because I was filled with tremendous happiness. I felt so confident and important. I even felt beautiful. I was set free! God gave me a vision of a lovely butterfly captured in a rotten cage; the butterfly was colorful and so precious yet sad and depressed. All of sudden a big hand broke the cage and the butterfly was set free to fly away. The butterfly lingered on this big hand and found total rest on it.

I thanked God for this beautiful vision and setting me free from the cage of all the lies telling me how stupid I was, that I was not worthy of anything, that no one would hear me because I was weak and that I was ugly.

After this major event I was not the same anymore and I began to walk in the ways of how a true princess would. Everyone around me seemed so precious and I was eager to share God’s love boldly. I even smiled more and I was not afraid to develop relationships with people at FLM. I boldly offered to pray for people and God showed me visions to share to minister to them. This is when I knew that I was already in a new level of faith. Praise the Lord!

God is very gracious, I could feel that He wanted to show me how much freedom I had in Him after all that breakthrough I had experienced. When we went to Melbourne, during the ministry time at ECF, PC asked me to play some music for the altar call. I went to the keyboard and started to play. I realized it wasn’t the greatest keyboard, the sound was already set on strings and I couldn’t change it. PC came over and told me to play something upbeat. I tried but with that string sound I couldn’t play anything upbeat. I started to sweat, my face started to turn red and I just prayed hard that this wouldn’t ruin the ministry time.

As I was playing, I saw people receiving prayers and it was so obvious that people were experiencing God’s glory, but I still felt so uncomfortable and was distracted by my own playing. I continued to pray and God spoke to me gently, “Lydia, it’s really not about how you play but it’s about me, don’t you see that my presence is here whether you play or not?” It was such an amazing encounter and I started to feel at peace. Once the ministry time was done, I felt good. Normally, when things like that happen, I would beat myself up so hard but I didn’t. I felt free! I turned all my focus to God that I could careless about myself, and what I did.

God is good, I am a different person now, and I am bold to step out to share about what God is doing in my life. I can’t thank God enough for bringing me out of my misery to taste the true victory in Him. I have been crucified in Christ, the old has gone and the new has come! I am a new creation and I can testify that being with the Lord is good.

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